A Note to Adults

Dear Grown-Ups:

Thanks for reading God Loves Kids to the children in your life! I hope this book helps introduce and explore the realities of foster care in a trauma-informed, gospel-centered, kid-friendly way. I know how intimidating it can be to navigate such a heavy and nuanced topic. My prayer is that what you read in these pages sparks helpful conversations with the kids you read it to.

Here are some thoughts that I hope help as you lean into the discussion of foster care with the children in your life:

Share with Honesty and Compassion

We can share about foster care–even the most broken parts–with compassion for everyone involved. Judges make wrong decisions, foster families make mistakes, workers drop the ball, and families don’t show up for their kids the way they need. But when we think about these things with humility, we see the person behind the problem, and we seek to have a heart of mercy towards them.

It’s not that biological parents are “bad,” it’s that too often they’re struggling through their own stories, wounds, and lack of support to provide what their children need. When talking with my (forever and foster) kids, I attempt to build “sometimes” stories that look at common struggles through a lens of compassion. For example:

When parents are struggling with substance abuse, I share: “Some people have had so much hard and hurt in their lives that they’re willing to do anything to take away their pain. They use substances that make them feel better for a little while, but make many other things worse. In trying to help their own hurt, they end up hurting others, even the people they love the most. These substances make their brains and bodies “addicted”–which means that once you start, it’s really hard to stop, even if you want to. When parents have a hard time stopping substances, it doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids. It means it’s just that hard to stop.”

When parents are struggling with mental health, I share: “Some people have different sicknesses in their bodies. Some people have heart disease or kidney disease. And some people have sickness in their brains. This illness can make them feel sad or scared or even see things that aren’t really there. Because of this, sometimes, they can’t keep their kids safe or care for them the way they need.”

When parents are struggling with poverty, I share: “Not everyone has all that we have. But you can love your kids a lot and be a great parent, even if you don’t have a lot. Some parents just need help getting a job and a place to live to create a safe home again. Not having things has nothing to do with being a good mommy or daddy, right?”

When there is domestic violence or physical abuse, I share: “Sometimes when people are hurt by people they love, their hearts and brains are tricked into thinking that love and hurt are the same thing. They get confused, and sometimes it’s hard for them to show love the way the people they love need them to or make the right decisions to protect themselves or their kids. It is never, ever the fault of the person who is hurt.”

When we talk to our (forever or foster) kids about foster care with honesty and compassion, we don’t gloss over the wrongs of others, but we seek to interpret those wrongs through a lens of curiosity, empathy, and Christlike love.

Lean Into the Both/And

There is no “easy” answer in foster care. If you find yourself giving happy endings or platitudes, consider whether or not you are seeing the full complexity of foster care. It is both that a family has been broken apart and that this family is now on the road to receiving help, support, and resources. It is both traumatic for a child to be removed and a blessing that the child will be protected. It is both that a child can love their foster family and miss their biological family and want to return home (or vice versa). There is both joy and sorrow in both reunification and adoption. There is always both–brokenness and beauty, healing and hurt, joy and sorrow, loss and gain, gratitude and grief, heartache and love.

Make sure that you are allowing the full nuance and complexity in your discussions and not oversimplifying any experience or emotion.

Focus on Health and Safety

“Health” and “safety” are the key words to use in discussing why biological parents are not able to full time care for their children–especially to younger children. Many children in foster care internalize and experience shame because of what they’ve experienced or not experienced in the care of their parents. We want to help them understand it is because of their parents’ ability to stay healthy and keep them safe–and nothing to do with their worth or behavior as children. We don’t need to define or explain every experience of abuse or neglect, or detail every part of a parents’ case plan; we can categorize what parents need to accomplish by helping children understand that parents need to become healthy and able to keep their children safe. (Note: Sometimes children misunderstand “healthy” and can become anxious when someone suffers from even the common cold. Use the “sometimes” stories above to define more about what healthy means.)

Create Space for All Questions and Feelings

Kids learning about foster care might experience confusion. Kids welcoming other kids into their home through foster care might experience fear, anger, or resentment. Kids in foster care might experience every single complicated and confusing emotion. We want to create space to hear, listen to, and empathize with every emotion. When the kids in our lives share their hearts with us, it invites greater understanding and opportunities to apply the gospel. Don’t be afraid of complicated questions (even if you don’t have all the answers–you can be curious and fight for faith together!) or confusing emotions (sometimes all we can offer is sacred space and a hug!).

I pray that reading God Loves Kids with the kids you love provides some answers and even more questions about foster care to the children you read it with. Most of all, I pray that it fills the kids in your life with an understanding of God’s love for them and good story He’s writing!